


Our Hearts Bleed the Same Colors

by Dophne



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Marvel Universe - Fandom, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: BAMF Rhodey, BAMF Tony Stark, Breakups, Bucky Barnes Feels, Cheating, F/F, F/M, Hiatus, Hurt Tony Stark, M/M, Might get a little dark, Multi, PLEASE don't read if things like this trigger you or if you do not like it, Rhodey Is a Good Bro, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Has Issues, Steve is an Asshole, Steve is an asshole and an idiot, Stuckony eventually, Stuckony will work itself into a healthy one once they get themselves sorted, Tony Angst, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Unhealthy Relationships, back on hiatus, bucky is oblivious, but he will get better, polymory, warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-31
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-08-12 03:58:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7919659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dophne/pseuds/Dophne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony is broken and dumped. Bucky is happy but incomplete. And Steve...well Steve is a f*$%^ing mess. </p><p>Why can't they go back to the way it was?</p><p>Why couldn't Tony keep Steve? Why couldn't Bucky be content with what he's got? Why did Steve have to always think he had to pick a side?</p><p>If it was all up to Tony, he would ask for his money back. This was not the cards he wanted to be dealt. This is not the life he asked for.</p><p>BACK ON HIATUS</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Am in Love With a Lovable Asshole, Why?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [arcticbucky (oblouvion)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/oblouvion/gifts).



> So this is a prompt from arcticbucky (oblouvion). This is just me trying out the idea. This is THEIR idea and I got permission to use it. 
> 
> The prompts can be read here:
> 
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/7911529/chapters/18075490

** _Tony_ **

 

I was not avoiding Steve and his new found love. I just had a lot of work to do that is all it is. Steve had made the choice by conveniently dropping me like a sack of flour without a second thought. I was not brooding over the fact that I was dumped for Barnes. Nope not at all. I hated Barnes, at the moment. He took the one good thing I had. The one person who ever told me he loved me and I believed him. Then again that declaration and show of affection was all a lie, but it was real to Me. Now I can never have that back. 

 

So, I sit in my workshop, alone and hungry. I decided to risk going up to grab some food but when I got there I heard the laughter I could identify anywhere, and suddenly I couldn't do it. I turned and left the common area knowing I was seen running away. I could still hear Steve's voice in my head telling how good I am for him and how they were meant for one another. I was not going to cry. Nope, Stark men, were made of iron.

 

I left the tower no longer in the mood to continue my working binge. I climbed into one of my many cars eyeing the bike in the corner of the garage with destain. It was supposed to be Steve's gift for our second anniversary. Guess it was time to sell the damn thing. Or maybe I can gift it to someone else as a fuck you. That sounded nice but I was hungry, so I left the building and the bike exactly where it is and headed into the city. 

 

I found a small restaurant in an unknown part of town after driving around speedily to release some of my anger at the situation. For the first time in a long time, I wanted to drink myself silly and bring home a hot babe and show them off to Steve. But I couldn't shake the disappointed face Steve would pull so I decided to do it sober. God, even as an ex-boyfriend I wanted to make him proud. Why does he still have any hold on me? Well easy, because you were still a thing two months ago. 

 

I sat alone at a table near the kitchen trying to be as invisible as possible but with a face as well known as mine, it's hard to go unnoticed. Though, the owner, a real smoking hot man, kept people at bay. Instantly I made him my target. I know, one good deed, and suddenly I'm like head over heels for this man, but it's not like that. I am just a desperate man in need of any sort of affection. 

 

The owner came and asked me if I was ready to order and his voice just made me melt. It was deep and raspy. It was doing things to me, not like Steve's could but who is comparing? Why can't I just forget about the man who tore my heart out and stabbed it with a stake for extra measure? 

 

"What's the best thing here, other than you of course," I smile trying to be flirtatious, and he laughs. 

 

"Are you trying to get me into your bed, Mr. Stark?" He asked amusement in his eyes. I am glad he doesn't shoot me down straight up. 

 

"Don't know is it working?" I reply with a question of my own.

 

"Not yet but you keep tryin'," he smiled showing off his pearly white teeth.

 

"So, I will have anything you deem worthy of Tony Stark," I hand him the menu and he is still smiling as he walks away. 

 

Now I am alone, and my mind is running a hundred miles an hour trying to decipher the situation I am in. I really needed to get over Steve. All my mind kept going back to how big of a screw up I was. I mean not even Captain America wanted me. I just know I am a mess. At least now I can officially say I will never have the Captain's stamp of approval. 

 

A plate was placed in front of me while the chair across from me was taken up by the unknown person. I looked up to see the owner sitting there smiling at me. I looked at the plate of food, and my jaw dropped, it was a large ice cream sundae with fudge brownie cake ok the bottom and drizzled with chocolate and caramel sauce. 

 

"Well is it?" He asked. 

 

"Is it what?" I squeaked. My mouth was watering at the ice cream. The owner picked up a spoon and handed it to me while he dived in as well. Ballsy but I liked it. 

 

"A dish worthy of Tony Stark," he answered, and his smile turned smug making me pretend to contemplate. 

 

"Well looks can be deceiving," I said and dug in. It was heaven in my mouth, and I shamelessly let out a moan. 

 

"Guess I can put it on the menu as the Iron Sundae," the owner replied taking his second bite. 

 

"This isn't on the menu?" I ask taking another large bite. 

 

"Nope but I do make it on special occasions," he replies, "I make all the ice cream before and bake the cake myself as well. I found the perfect recipe for a cake that tastes better cold than warm."

 

"This is all from scratch? Can I buy you?" I smile excitedly. I was bouncing in my seat. He laughs hard at me making me laugh along with him. 

 

"No but you can take me out on a date," he replied sliding a piece of paper across the table with a name and number. So his name was Richard not bad. 

 

"Well I am sold," I say before completely devouring the sundae. Richard smiled and watched me eat his delicate sundae and took a bite here and there. It dawns on me that he might have read my distress but if this is the reward he can read all he wants.

 

"I need to take you home," I spoke up after taking the last bite of the dessert. He gave me an amused and questioning look. I stared back waiting if he would reject me but he just shook his head smiling. 

 

"You jump straight for the batter don't you," he said. 

 

"Cakes take too long to bake," I reply letting my leg move across his shin. His eyes darken, but he shakes his head. 

 

“One date,” Richard instigates, “one date and if it goes well, I am all yours. Agreed?”

 

“Yes,” I reply before leaving the restaurant with his name and number seared into my memories. 

 

* * *

 

I get home really late, and I don’t care. My head hurts, and I just want to drink my specially imported coffee I stock the communal floors with. Why Pep denies them in my own floors and workshop is heinous. Still, I brave the communal floors again. This time, I was not running. My coffee was more important than Steve and Bucky’s love fest. 

 

I walk into the communal floor, and everyone was still sitting on the couches watching the last part of one of the Star Wars movies. I couldn’t bring myself to figure out which one. It didn’t matter I liked Stark Trek better anyway. 

 

Coffee now. 

 

And it was beautiful. Coffee and I should get married. Is it possible to marry a drink? I should check. I really should. It is a crime not to let me marry the love of my life. It was truly tragic but if things worked out with Richard than I don’t need coffee holding me back. Like seriously. 

 

“Hey Tony,” a familiar voice spoke up to me, and I turned to glare at the man in front of me. How dare he speak to me? Disturb my coffee time. 

 

“It’s Stark to you now, Rogers,” I spat at him sneering through my mug hoping he would get the message; he doesn’t. 

 

“Come on,” St-Rogers spoke up softly taking a step towards me, “we are starting the third Star Wars movie, and we all want you to join.” 

 

“Don’t have time,” I reply hastily trying hard not to let bile rise from my digestive tract. It was disgusting how much St-Rogers thinks I will just get over the fact he just dumped me. He didn’t even have a ‘we are over’ speech. I was not given that decency. 

 

“What is your problem, Tony?” St-Rogers stepped forward trying to use his Captain America voice on me, which usually works cause it makes me all gooey inside but this time I was not going to let it affect me.

 

“It’s Stark to you for the second time; maybe I should have FRIDAY set up a mix-tape for you to play every morning for you to remember. And my problems are no longer any of your fucking business. Go sit with your love of your life over there and leave me the fuck alone,” I screech and stomp towards the elevator and tell FRIDAY to take me to my floor. 

 

I need to fucking sleep and get the stupid...lovable idiot...fucker...out of my head. I held back a sob. I just want to climb into our bed. I just want Steve to hold me and tell me how he will make it all better. 

 

* * *

 

Rhodey is back from his trip and is whipping up a storm in the hours I was asleep. He had not known St-Rogers, and I had broken up and him walking in on St-Rogers and Barnes making out on the couch did not help him figure it out. He was practically wearing the War Machine armor by the time I got down there. 

 

It was disastrous, and there were a lot of insults, punches thrown, and screaming for a full hour before I could get the two to separate. It was like trying to divide two fighting five-year-olds who were deadly to each other. I could not stand the idea of either of them dying, even if I was pissed as hell at St-Rogers. 

 

“Honeybunches,” I say soothingly pushing him towards the elevators, “let's talk about this in the workshop. Your suit looks like it needs upgrades and fixing. Don’t try to deny it! I know my suit better than anyone else.” 

 

And finally, we were alone in the elevator. I let out a sigh of relief of having dissuaded any Tower destructive forces from occurring. 

 

“What the hell is happening Tones?” Rhodey growled, “I mean the last time I say you, which was a real short time ago, you two were practically impossible to separate. You both were totally in love with each other it made me sick, and now he is making out with another guy?” 

 

“He found his long lost love, Rhodey. I was just the filler piece or the appetizer before his entree. I was nothing more than a fling, Sourpatches. No need to get your panties in a tighter twist than they already are,” I try to explain. 

 

“Well, thank the Lord I switched tow wearing thongs,” Rhodey huffed, “but Tones, that is not a good enough excuse. I saw the way he looked at you. A love like that doesn’t get dropped in a day.”

 

“It does when it was all an act,” I smiled sharply. I just wanted to talk about something else, but I knew Rhodey wasn’t going to rest until he had his fill. It was a part of why he was able to be my friend for so long. He was a stubborn mule when it came to certain things. And I loved him for it. 

 

“That asshole did he say that to you?” Rhodey growled, “ I swear if he did... you know what, let me back up there Tones. I will beat the shit out of him and his ‘long lost lover’.” But he knew I wasn’t going to let him do that. I could not because I still loved St-Rogers and it hurt but I cannot wish him ill. 

 

“I want him to be happy Rhodey,” I whisper, “and if that is not with me then its fine. Love is about letting those you love to do what they want. And plus he did not even tell me we were over. I was not given the decency of a breakup talk.” 

 

“He is a low life,” Rhodey fumed. 

 

“Yeah, well he is my low-life,” I laugh, “and plus I have a date tomorrow with a very handsome small-time business owner.” 

 

“How did you score that?” Rhodey allowed the topic change. I could tell he was not in the mood to be angry. He did not come to New York to be angry or fight. This was the place he came to blow off steam, and I wanted it to stay that way. 

 

“My mopping skills,” I laughed indicating Rhodey to stand on the podium and instructed my bots to take off his suit so he can sit comfortably on the couch while I tinkered with his suit. 

 

We talked no more about the love-sick couple upstairs.


	2. What Is Mine Will Be Mine Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Story continues in Steve's POV: 
> 
> I want my best friend back. Well, my modern day best friend but I can’t have him. Tony won’t talk to me and is now too busy with his current boyf- his current toy to give me the time and space. That is all fine and dandy because I have a plan. I will get Tony back. I will. I’ll do it without having to lose Bucky either. I’m just waiting for the most opportune moment to initiate it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I am horrible about waiting soooo long to update this story. I just could not get this second chapter how I liked at all. And was kind of disheartened but then I tried again and this was the result. I'm not super happy about this but I am okay with it cause I realize I won't be able to get it no where near what I want anyway.
> 
> Again, I apologize about the rediculously long wait but now that this monster chapter that was so hard to write is out of the way the rest should come more smoothly and a looooooot faster than this one.

I want to rip Tony from his arms. Who does that asshole think he is strutting in here holding what’s _mine._ Tony looks good, as always, and I know I kind of left him high and dry but in a sense he is still _mine._ A part of me understands that Tony has the right to be happy but I know I can make him happy. That we are so good together. But then again I made my choice. I chose Bucky. I don’t regret having Bucky but I regret the choice of leaving Tony. Especially the way I did.

 

So, here I stood, fists clenched and jaw tight watching Tony talk it up with some stranger who does not even look half-decent. Okay, that was a stretch, if I had met him I would have thought he was good looking too but he looks so hideous while draping his arm over _my_ Tony. Still, I could do nothing about it.

 

The man, Richard, he called himself, had conversed with every single Avenger as well as Tony’s friends and they all seem to _buy into_ his good-boy act. He was just pretending to be this nice. It is not possible for anyone to be this...this sweet. When the two lovely couple walk up to me and Bucky, Tony stiffens a bit before throwing a paparazzi smile our way.

 

“What do you think Cap?” Tony asks using my nickname that I both hated and loved. His voice is fake cheery like he was acting it up to make me feel worse about myself. Too bad I knew him well enough to see through the facade. Tony would never be happy with the man.

 

“I’m Steven Rogers,” I stick my hand out waiting hor him to shake it. Richard looks at my hand and back at my face a few times before accepting and shaking it.

 

“Richard McNair,” he replies. I really want to punch him but I couldn’t. After the introductions they walk away and join Bruce on the other side of the room, I left the floor and head towards my apartment. A large part of me feels like I should leave but I can’t stand the idea of not being able to see Tony and Bucky every day.

 

Bucky follows me downstairs and suddenly all thoughts of Tony and his new toy were gone from my mind. My best friend was back and standing there waiting for me to make a move. I stared at him and smiled warmly. I reached out to him and take his hand into mine and lead him to our living room.

 

I sit down and Bucky tentatively follows suite not really in the mood to talk. That was fine with me, I have come to terms with the fact that Bucky was not the same man that fell from the train seventy years ago. Hell, I was not the same man that watched him fall. Still, I loved him and that is all I needed. Buck is broken and I am the only one who seems to be keeping him together.

 

I weave my hands through his hair and begin to hum a song we were both familiar with since being ‘re-introduced’ into this society. It was a classical song or at least what the kids these days consider ‘classical’ but we both liked it and often sang to it in the shower.

Slowly, I watch Bucky begin to fall asleep. Once he has fallen over, lights out, I cover him in a blanket and watch him sleep before taking the remote to turn on the TV.

 

My mind wanders over to Tony again. I curse trying to remind myself that Tony Stark was no longer mine. I had made my choice. Tony had to understand that...right? But seeing him with someone else. Seeing him be remotely _happy_ with another person boiled my blood. It makes me angry even when I have no right to be. I still love Tony but I love Bucky too.

 

Why does is this so hard? I made my choice...I should be happy with it. Right?

 

* * *

 

I want my best friend back. Well, my modern day best friend but I can’t have him. Tony won’t talk to me and is now too busy with his current boyf- his current toy to give me the time and space. That is all fine and dandy because I have a plan. I will get Tony back. I will. I’ll do it without having to lose Bucky either. I’m just waiting for the most opportune moment to initiate it.

 

Bur for now, here I am sitting at the breakfast table with Bucky beside me trying hard to get the image of Tony’s gaga eyes at McNair out of my head. Are superheroes even allowed to date civilians? Ugh. Life is so unfair.

 

“What you thinking about, punk?” Bucky asks and suddenly I can’t remember what I was thinking about.

 

“Nothing important jerk. Want to go to the gym to train and go out to lunch before heading to Shield headquarters?” I ask and Bucky just smiles at me in return. It’s this smile that gets me through the day.

 

“Sure,” Bucky replies getting up and leaving the kitchen. I was alone now and my mind reeled on about how big of a mess my life was. I couldn’t have what I want but I have what I need. I don’t need Tony…

 

...who am I kidding? I need Tony Stark. And I need him badly.

 

* * *

 

Tony had come home crying. Instinctively, Tony ran into my arms and buried himself into my chest. A part of me warmed up at the fact that he still comes to _me_ for comfort. I should turn him away but if I did I would lose any chance to be with him again.

 

I began to whisper sweet nothings into his ear trying to sooth him. Tony always fell asleep to my whispers and this time was no different. Once he was asleep in my arms, I took him back to his room and tucked him in. He grabbed my wrist before I could leave and pulled me under. Who am I to tell him no?

 

The next day was an almost disaster of Tony freaking out to waking up beside me but I instantly calmed him down by taking his head into my hands and began to again whisper everything that I loved about him into his ear. I could feel his breath even out and his body begin to shake a little less. This was so easy and right that it felt like breathing.

 

But I needed to know what made him cry? Had McNair hurt him? Had Tony lost someone? What made Tony fall apart?

 

“Tony,” I coaxed making the other man into looking at me again, “what happened?”

 

“I-” Tony began but cut himself off and pulled away from my embrace, “It’s nothing Rogers, just leave it alone.”

 

“No,” I shot out making Tony freeze in place, “You are one of my best friend’s Tony and I would like to think that I am one of yours. Yes, I fucked up but I want you to know that you can always, _always,_ come to me when you need anything.”

 

“Fuck you,” Tony seethed. This was good, if he is mad at me he can release all that hurt and anger and we can get through this. I screwed up by the choice I made but it does not mean I won’t fight to have Tony in my life.

 

“Ton-” I began before I felt pressure on my face. I instantly relaxed my jaw so that it would not hurt Tony that much. If I had resisted it could break one of Tony’s beautiful and inventive hands.

 

“OW! FUCK!” Tony cursed and just began to scream in frustration. I stood there silently letting myself look as open as possible. I learned really fast after moving in that Tony responds really badly to any closed off posture. He tends to get like a defensive animal protecting his territory. It hurt me to watch Tony feel this way and that I caused it.

 

I did not expect forgiveness any time soon but I knew Tony would give it if I worked hard for it. He just stood up and looked at me blankly but I could see the want in his eyes behind that facade. I did not speak I let him walk out because if Tony wanted to talk to me it would have to be on his own terms. He was not the kind of man that responded to force. Believe me, I have tried that approach and it turned out really bad for the both of us.

 

Still, the question kept ringing in my head, what happened to Tony to make him cry?

 

* * *

 

I came downstairs to find Bucky sitting on our bed half-naked reading a book. I could tell though that he was not actually reading it at all. He was just trying to act casual. If it was not for what happened a few minutes ago with Tony I would have laughed at Bucky’s postering.

 

“Hey Buck,” I smiled, “What have you been up to?”

 

“Nothing,” Bucky replied smiling a bit at me before leaning in for a kiss. I just leaned forwards and gave his partner a chaste kiss on the lips. I began to pull away but Bucky wrapped his metal arm behind my head and deepened the kiss instead. In an instant I pulled Bucky towards me having him straddle my hips he was bigger than Tony and it was a bit awkward but I did not mind his bulk.

 

After breaking apart to breathe, Bucky began to nip at my bottom lip asking for entrance which I happily gave allowing Bucky to explore my mouth while I just teased his tongue with my own. Each kiss was long and deep and it made me think back to the time before the war when Bucky would push me against the door frame of our apartment and kiss me until I almost passed out. Too bad I have the ability to keep up with him but he does not really remember those moments anyway.

 

“Well,” I began chuckling a bit, “that was a surprise.”

 

“You did not come to bed last night,” Bucky replied. I froze a bit. He can’t know where I was. It was imperative that he stay in the dark about the events of last night.

 

“Sorry,” I apologized, “I was working late on something and ended up falling asleep on my chair. It was super uncomfortable.”

 

Bucky just gave me his sly half smile before kissing me again making gestures for me to lay down on the bed. I took off my shirt did as I was told. Bucky climbed over me and began to rub his hands down my back with enough pressure for me to realize that my brainwashed boyfriend was trying to give me a massage. It was cute and if I was a normal person His advances would have hurt but since the super soldier serum it took a lot more than that to cause me any pain.

 

“Hmm, thanks, Buck,” I sighed, I should lie more often about sleeping in a chair because right at that moment, Bucky’s hands were miracles.

 

“Anytime Stevie,” Bucky responded close to my ear as he pressed himself against me. I could feel almost every inch of his body including his little bulge down there. I just smirked bucking my butt up to meet his erection causing Bucky to moan. It was fun teasing him because he always fell for them all. It was so easy to get him all sexually wrapped up and leave him high and dry to make him more desperate. It was funny and cute and I loved to play.

 

I flipped us over, looming over Bucky before promptly slipping Bucky’s boxer brief’s slowly. Bucky kept trying to make me go faster but I just swatted his hand away every time.

 

Like I said, I liked to play and tease. Finally, Bucky was completely bare of any clothing staring up at me as I stood to get my own pants off. It was hot but a small flash occurred where I just saw Tony lying there instead and a part of me hurt but I just swallowed it down and began my advances.

 

I was going to make Buck scream, it was the only way to get the image of Tony out of my head. It almost did not work but eventually, all thoughts of Tony were gone but I knew I would not be able to keep them at bay for too long.

  
Why is is so hard to love two men? I will never know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't often write in first-person AT ALL so if you catch anything or see a spot where I accidentally switch to third-person let me know. I tried catching all the times I did but I might have missed some.


	3. Why Should I Talk About my Pain?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky's POV: 
> 
> “Good morning,” I try but the two just give me cold stares in return. It hurt that they would not give me a chance but I shrugged it off. Not my problem if they did not like me. All I needed was Steve. That’s all. Why does a part of me want to make Stark smile? Why do I want to hold him in my arms? I guess I’m attracted to people with passion in their souls? I don’t know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky is supposed to have a bit of a broken up none cohesive thought process. I would like to imagine that he tries to fit in as much thought processes and ideas in his mind in a short amount of time as something he used to do before they put him under. 
> 
> Some old habits die hard.
> 
> I wanted to start the 'healing process' as well start Bucky and Tony's direct interaction. 
> 
> Hope you like it! Let me know what you think!

I like the sun. It always felt warm against my skin when they took me out of the ice. Still, the cold always seemed to have settled right underneath my skin. Never leaving. The only time I felt truly warm was when I was around Steve. Steve. That man was interesting. I could not figure him out. Half the time, I feel like he looks at me expecting the old Barnes to return. I don’t know that man. Who was this Bucky Barnes? I heard stories and saw pictures but I cannot believe that it was me. Sometimes I feel like I am all over the place. I always look over my shoulder and not once do I let my guard down except, these days, around Steve and Stark.

 

Stark. Tony Stark. Short for Anthony Stark. He hates me. I am not sure why but I know it has something to do with Steve. Had they broken up on bad terms? That man seemed to hold a lot of anger but not once have I felt in danger. He looks more like an angry kitty who hisses at you when you get too close. Still, I enjoyed his presence. All his energy and babbling tendencies always seemed to calm me because I can just train my eye on the small genius while keeping and keep the paranoid part of my mind.

 

It’s hard, some days, to get out of bed. I want to curl into the blankets and hide from the world. There are times when I feel like Hydra is right outside my door and the only way to stay safe is to stay hidden in where I am in bed. It’s irrational but I can’t wave off the feeling that they’ll take me away from the people who have taken me in and gave me back my humanity and my soul.

 

But today was different. I woke up sore and happy remembering the events that occurred earlier today. I looked up towards the window and noticed the sun was almost faded indicating that it was much later in the day than I originally wanted to wake up at but I would do it again to feel Steve with me. I looked over my shoulder and found the man who saved me still fast asleep in his naked glory.

 

What time was it? I’m guessing four. No, three-thirty. I look to the clock behind Steve’s head: three forty-five. Damn. I was close. I hated getting simple things like this wrong. It made me feel stupid. I knew it was irrational but I could not wash away these feelings.

 

Great. I ruined the mood.

 

I took a shower. I like to run it hot. So hot that if I was normal it would burn my skin but I’m not so the temperature did not bother me. The heat made it feel like all my sins were being washed away even for a little while. I only deserved so much peace. I was a monster, that much I can remember. No matter how many times Steve tells me otherwise I know the truth. I did it again. I ruined something that was good but that’s okay it will be good again tomorrow. I’m sure.

 

Going up to the common area was hard sometimes. When I first moved into the tower I refused to go alone. I could not stand the cold, bland, or angry stares I would get from Steve’s teammates. Though, no matter how many times I asked no one would answer why they did not like me so much. Still, I have to learn sometime so I went up by myself this time. I was a deadly assassin damn it! I can protect myself just fine!

 

There were voices when I walked into the communal kitchen. They instantly died down when I was spotted entering the room. It was Stark and his pal Road-ee? I don’t know. Did not really pay attention after the yelling started when we first met but I could tell that this guy hated me more than Stark did. I did not think that was possible.

 

“Good morning,” I try but the two just give me cold stares in return. It hurt that they would not give me a chance but I shrugged it off. Not my problem if they did not like me. All I needed was Steve. That’s all. Why does a part of me want to make Stark smile? Why do I want to hold him in my arms? I guess I’m attracted to people with passion in their souls? I don’t know.

 

“Can’t you see we’re talking,” Road-ee growled as I stepped further into the kitchen.

 

I look back at him with a straight face and answered, “It’s the communal area. If you want to have a private conversation then maybe you should not choose such a public place to have it.”

 

“Roll back the attitude Sourpouch,” Stark sighed, “we don’t need such hostilities so early in the day.”

 

“It’s four twenty-seven in the afternoon,” I reply confused. How was this early? The confusion must have shown on my face because Stark just _laughed._ Like genuinely laughed at my comment. A part of me warmed inside. I wanted to hear that laugh more often. It was nice.

 

“Any time before the sun goes down is ‘too early’ in Tones’ book,” Road-ee replied casually. Though the tension was still thick in the air it was suddenly a bit more bearable.

 

It took a short while for Road-ee to leave. Now it was just Stark and I in the kitchen. Where was Steve? Or Natasha? I should go look for them. Being alone with him was not a good idea.

 

“Your arm,” Stark spoke up suddenly into the long silence between us.

 

“What?” Barnes clenched his flesh hand around his metal one protectively.

 

“I have seen you flinch a few times when you move it in certain way,” Stark clarified. I just looked at him not really affirming his statement nor was I countering it. It was true. My arm has been hurting me a bit but I did not think my pain showed. I must be losing my touch.

 

“And? So what if I am in pain?” I ask glaring at him warily. He just gave me a wide smile in response and pulled me towards the elevator. The action was so unexpected that I had no time to react and just followed along. We are in the elevator alone heading down to his lab and I, for some reason, was terrified.

 

“I can fix it for you if you’d let me,” Stark began pulling my metal arm towards his chest. A big part of me wanted to rip it from his arms but he held it like it was the most precious thing and no one ever done that. Everyone just looked at it as a reminder of what I was and what I did but this man. This man saw it as something to marvel at.

 

It was the first time I wanted to cry. Never had I felt like that before. I did not even think I was capable. My cheeks were wet and my flesh arm went up to touch my face in surprise. I was crying but Stark had enough mind not to point it out.

 

* * *

 

It had been six hours. I think. I have been strapped to this table for six hours with a lot of bathroom breaks in between but no food. Though I did not mind this. Being strapped in scared me more than I would like to admit but I felt totally comfortable where I was. He never once denied me an out. So I just got comfortable. The seat itself was made of heated padding. It was nice.

 

“The wiring is atrocious,” Stark whispered to himself as he picked up different tool and poking it back into the abyss that was the inside of my arm. I did not know what it looked like but whatever I got seemed overly complicated. Still, for some odd reason I felt compelled to apologize about it.

 

“It’s not your fault that HYDRA makes everything horrendous in some way. I’m surprised it works from how awful this was set up. You must have been in so much pain. Why didn’t you say anything?”

 

“You lot hate me,” I shrug at him not really looking him in the eyes as I speak, “Why would I tell you about my discomfort?”

 

Stark just blinked at me and took the tools out of my arm and placed them on the table he pulled up next to us. I could feel myself blush for some odd reason while the man just sat there staring at me. Suddenly, Stark ordered FRIDAY to unlock his constraints and moved to the other side of the room. Alarm bells went off in my head as I watched the smaller man get as far away from me as possible.

 

“Stark?” I got up to sitting position moving my legs to drape over the edge. I need to get to him. Stark. Anthony Stark. Howard Stark’s son. He’s an Avenger. He’s safe. Stark was working on my arm. Safe. Safe. Safe. Safe. Safe.

 

My eyes dotted around trying to find the intruder. Was there any danger. I moved quick to Stark’s side pushing him behind me as I continued to canvas the lab for danger.

 

“Barnes,” Stark called out but I ignored him in favor of trying to get him out.

 

“Barnes, James, BUCKY,” when I heard my nickname I whipped around to look at him. I wanted to say that only Stevie can call me that but for some odd reason I liked the way it rolled off his tongue.

 

“Danger,” In moments like these I find it hard to talk in whole sentences.

 

“It’s okay,” Stark placed both his hands on my cheeks and smiled at me, “I’m sorry I scared you. It’s just...you shouldn’t let someone touch something this precious to you like that. I mean if you think someone doesn’t like you, you should not allow them anywhere near that! What happens if I decided to make it worse instead of better! Are you that easily manipulated? You should have never let me...I am so sorry...I...just don’t…”

 

I looked at him flabbergasted. This man was trying to respect me. Tryin’ to make me feel comfortable in his home. He was insulted that I allowed him to touch my metal arm when I think that he hated me. He was angry for me at himself. This kid was outstandingly the second most obnoxious and adorable man I have ever met.

 

I laughed. Hard.

 

Stark looked at me confused and I just laughed harder that my chest began to ache. It was deep and harsh because I could feel my body convulse. Stark placed his hands tentatively and quickly on my shoulder trying to make sure I was alright.

 

“I trust you,” I blurted out looking up into his eyes after I calmed down enough to talk straight, “I know you would not hurt me. I have been living here for _months_ and if you were going to hurt me you would have done it.”

 

“You trust too easy,” Stark grumbled pulling away and I wanted to just pull him back into my arms.

 

“You don’t trust enough,” I respond and he just glares weekly at me and I smile widely back at him.

 

“Touche,” Stark comments moving away from his spot and back towards the seat he was occupying a few minutes ago.

 

“Are you going to finish what you started?” I challenge and it was Stark’s turn to give me a wide smile.

 

I would like to see that smile more often.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos are my life blood. I love reading and responding to people so don't be afraid to leave me something :D


	4. I Will Go Down With This Ship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It will be explained what happened with Tony and McNair later in the story. So it that part might be a little confusing. 
> 
> Anyways, I hope this chapter was good. I have dug myself into a hole that I do not know how to get out of. Any suggestions that you think could redeem Steve? 
> 
> Let me know what you think! Hopefully, I can figure out a way to make this work out better. Steve and Bucky are going to mess up a lot but they will get to the end goal of the three of them being together in the end.

It was shocking to think that Barnes would let me anywhere near his arm. I also never expected to actually like his presence. The music blasted loud and strong as I continued to work on his arm and slowly I began to hear Barnes begin to sing to the words of the songs or at least try to if he did not know the lyrics. I even started to join in and soon we were singing off tune to all the music as he lay on the table and I worked on his arm. 

 

His arm was truly a piece of work. I was almost jealous of the person who created back in the day. This was state of the art technology and I could not wrap my head around the fact that this was installed decades before I was even born. Though the more I dug the more i realized that a lot of the wiring was put together in the most sloppy way. Then again the people who installed it didn't care if Barnes was in pain. Their priority was that the arm worked. I wanted to blast every single scientist who allowed the man in front of me to be in pain. He didn't deserve it. No one did….except maybe Red Skull and Adolf Hitler but they are dead so...yeah. Not the point is it? 

 

I unhooked one wire and Barnes let out a sigh of relief and I knew I found our problem child. “Hang in there Yattee, we are almost there.”

 

“I should find that offensive but it's very accurate,” Barnes chuckled giving me the sideways smile that he had only ever really given Ste-Rogers. 

 

I stopped talking again as I tried to figure out the importance of the cord. I had Barnes clench, unclench and wiggle his hand and fingers. It seemed like the cord served no purpose but cause Barnes pain. I followed the cord to its other ending and it seemed to be connected to a lonely spot in ‘motherboard’. I pulled it out of the socket and it seemed to cause the arm to start to spaz around. I let out a panicked cry moving away from Barnes' arm before quickly grabbing my screwdriver and jamming into the socket the cord used to inhibit. Instantly, the arm stopped moving and Barnes just looked at his arm and then at me before trying to move the arm again. 

 

“I guess we need to figure out why that happened,” I sighed combing a hand through my hair in nervousness.

 

“Wow Stark,” Bucky quipped, “you surely know what you’re doing.” 

 

“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” I glared at him playfully. 

 

I dived back into the arm finally connecting the arm to the computer allowing FRIDAY to download a digital schematic of the arm as well as its archaic coded procedures that allow the arm to run. If I was going to do the job I was going to do it right. I looked at Barnes and he just blinked at me tiredly before raising a questioning brow and I knew I needed to let the man go. One, because he’s been here all day and two I don’t think St-Rogers would appreciate if I kept hogging his new, or should I say old?, boyfriend. 

 

“I will exchange my screwdriver with a pin to be in place so that you don’t face any problems but I will continue to look at what I got and see if I can rehash your arm with better functioning and more comfort,” I feel like a doctor but in this case I sort of am? 

 

“Want to have dinner?” Barnes blurts out. I  just look at him dumbly for a few minutes before shaking my head. This was Ste-Rogers’ boyfriend. The enemy. No fraternizing with the enemy.  _ But you already spent a whole day with him,  _ a voice spoke up in my mind. 

 

“Shut up,” I whispered to himself not realizing that Barnes was still in the room with me. I saw the man look a bit aback at those words and had stopped talking which I had not even realized he was still speaking. I watched as his face hardened and the tension seeps back in the room. I opened my mouth but nothing seem to want to come out. 

 

All I could do in that moment was watch as he gracefully hopped off my work table and left the lab without looking back. I royally fucked up...but I should not care. Not really. So why am I so annoyed with myself?

 

* * *

 

The Avengers alarm blared as I just got to the restaurant to meet McNair. This was supposed to be my apology dinner. I had royally fucked up the last time we met and I owed it to him. He deserves my undivided attention but I knew I could not give that to him. I could see him sitting on the table I reserved wearing a nice suit and looking at his watch. He was probably wondering where and I should probably tell him but instead, I told FRIDAY to send me my suit. I can’t be selfish. It’s part of the hero job. So I stood at the window letting the suit engulf me and just as the faceplate was about to close down over my face, McNair turned to look out the window and saw me take off. 

 

“Boss,” FRIDAY pulled me back from my raging mind, “you have two phone calls. One is Captain Rogers and the second is Mr. McNair. Who should I answer?” 

 

I contemplated that question. I knew that if I did not answer McNair I could cause irreparable damage to our very new relationship but it was Steve. I could not ignore him. He was out on the field and I needed to know what was happening on the ground. “Rogers.” was all I say and FRIDAY silently connects me to the call. 

 

“Tony!” St-Rogers shouts into the call, “we-” BANG .“Are having tro-” BOOM. “Ugh, how far out?” CLANK. Then nothing.  fear shoots through me as I urge my suit to go faster than it was but FRIDAY refuses to listen to my command. 

 

“FRIDAY!” I yell and try to blurt out all my overrides but she cuts me off before I can finish my orders. 

 

“You are no use to them if you get there and the suit’s loses power before you can get there,” FRIDAY says and I want to say that I don’t care but I have to calm myself. St-Rogers needs me right now. I can’t do anything too stupid...but it doesn’t mean I have to do anything overtly smart. 

 

“Just increase thrust by 0.15%,” I growl and I could tell FRIDAY was annoyed but she seemed to have run the calculations to know that it was okay to indeed increase the power by 0.15%. 

 

As I rounded the corner to see the quintet take another hit making me feel extreme panic begin to seep from with my bones and I followed the crashing ship trying hard to catch it. The notion was ridiculous and I knew it was a two man job but if I could at least lessen the blow of the landing it could save everyone in the jet. What was a mission if I did not risk my life in some way. I knew Steve was going to kill me if this did not do the job for him. 

 

I latched onto the left wing trying to counter thrust the rotations the jet was doing and slowly my pull was starting to slow down the jet’s rotation and it’s speed and it made it a tad easier to control. As I continued my attempt at saving the jet I saw glimpses of something large and horrid standing there watching us go down. It took one look for me to realize that this creature has some form of intelligence. But that did not matter at the moment, I needed to save my teammates.

“FRIDAY, quinjet camera!” I yelled. I needed to see that Ste-they were alive. The video feed showed them all holding onto something tightly but none of them seemed to be too badly injured. A relief lifted off my shoulders and I dived fully into making sure that the quinjet landed as safely as I could get it. 

 

What felt like an eternity, I finally straightened the quinjet enough before I felt the weight of the plane crash down on me. And my whole world went black. 

 

* * *

 

“-ony!” a blurry voice cried out but I was not sure what they were saying,

 

“-ony!” 

 

“Tony!” I opened my eyes and Steve was standing over me with a wild look in his eyes. Why is he worried about me? He should...he should be out there defeating the monster. I pushed at him trying to tell him to go and save the day. I wanted him to forget about me. I was not important. I opened my mouth to speak but Steve just gave me a fearful look when I opened my mouth realizing that I  _ couldn’t  _ talk. It was then that I realized that Steve’s hands were pressing on my throat. 

 

“Hang in there,” Steve cried looking at me with tear filled eyes, “help is on the way sweetheart.” Have I ever told him how much I loved that endearment? I guess now I won’t ever be able to tell him. 

 

“St...eve,” I croaked out finally. It was so hard to say anything. I could feel myself lose my grip on reality. My vision was starting to go black. 

 

“It’s going to be okay,” Steve bent down over me pressing his head softly against mine. He smiled at me. Steve never smiled but if I was dying I would love the last thing I saw was Steve’s smiling face. 

 

“I…” I cried, “...love...you.” 

 

My world faded to black. This was it. My time had come. At least I died knowing that I told Steve how I felt. At least I was able to tell someone that I loved them before they were gone from me forever. 

 

\-----------------

 

I woke up to the sound of beeping. My arms were heavy and my head hurt. Slowly I opened my eyes to stare at a white hospital ceiling. I tried to turn my head but I realized my head was in a thick brace keeping my head in place. Still, I turned well enough to see a sleeping St-Roger-Steve sleeping in the chair next to my bed. It was in that moment that I knew I had not died. 

 

I just laid there watching Steve sleep. His head drooped towards his left. I watched him breath allowing the small constant movements calm me. That was until the door opened and in walked in Barnes holding two cups of coffee. Reality crashed down on me and the illusion that I was living was now broken. I could never have Steve. Never again. He was with Barnes now. 

 

“You’re awake,” Barnes blurted out jabbing his elbow into Steve’s rib cage without breaking eye contact with me. I watched Steve jump into action and look around wildly before realizing that it was just Barnes occupying the empty seat next to him. Steve smiled happily at Barnes’ bored expression before taking the coffee from him. I glared at them as they drank my nectar for themselves. I knew that neither of them was going to allow me any sip of their drinks. This is why I never confess to my injuries. They would keep me from my life blood. 

 

“How are you, Tony?” Steve turned his smile at me and I could feel my heart skip a beat. I had a weakness for that smile. 

 

“Good,” I signed. Since I could not really speak at the moment I decided I would use the one medium that we all learned in hopes of helping Barton cope with his new found disability. 

 

“Feeling sore? Do you want me to call a nurse?” Steve pressed leaning towards me. For a brief moment, I thought he was going to reach out and hold my hand but decided against it. I wanted to pull his hand into mine anyway but my arms were heavy and I did not feel like causing a scene between the three of us.

 

Instead, I shake my head before looking away allowing myself to dive into my mind. I needed time to be alone and if I was not going to get it in reality then I guess my mind will have to do.


	5. If You Die I Die With You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to make Steve less of a dick to Tony in this chapter. Still, he has a long way to go. I feel like I have walked myself into a corner with this one. 
> 
> Well, here is an update! Let me know what you think! 
> 
> Though I look forward to the next few chapters! I won't tell you why though :P

_ Steve _

 

It has been a week. A whole week of Tony coming back from the hospital and avoiding me completely. I had forgotten how easy it was for Tony to slip around the tower unnoticed. Personally, I found it both frustrating and a little eery. Still from what others have told me, Tony seemed to be fine for ‘Tony Standards’ as Clint like to put it. 

 

“What happened with you and Stark?” Bucky finally asked me the heavy question that I did not know yet how to answer. 

 

“I, we, uh,” I stuttered before forcing myself to take a breath, “we went out on a few dates. We were not serious. I guess that was what I thought but Tony seemed to have thought we were.”

 

“So you were a thing?” Bucky asked, “and now?” 

 

“I have you now,” I lied giving Bucky a small smile, “I don’t need anybody else.” Bucky did not press anymore and fell silent. I do not know if that was a good or bad sign. 

 

My mind was now elsewhere. I remembered the day Tony had taken me to the small diner a few blocks from the tower telling me that they had the best burgers in town. I had told Tony that I was not ready for something serious but as time went on we seemed to be heading down that route. Then Bucky came back and kissed me suddenly without any warning. That kissed ruined it all. Tony had walked in on us kissing and somehow got in his head that we had broken it off.

 

At first, I wanted to chase after him. I did. But I knew I had screwed up pretty badly. So instead I stayed and that was the end of that. Tony was the one who decided we were over. Not me. I just did not do a good job to argue with him about it until it was too late. 

 

Now, I have Bucky and I should be glad for it but my heart yearns for Tony still. I think I will always yearn for him. 

 

* * *

 

I caught Tony trying to rush out of the tower to head towards the date with his boyf-toy. It seemed that this man was determined to make it work. I knew it would not last long. Tony would either get bored of the man or the man would find the superhero business as too much and try to make Tony choose. I would never make him choose. _But you did, didn’t you?_ a small voice supplied but I ignored it. That was different. Wasn’t it?

 

I did not really dwell on those thoughts, instead, I decided to wait for Tony to come back home. It was time I get him to talk to me. I need him to talk to me. I don’t think I can function with our situation. It was better when he at least snarked and glared at me from the same room. I knew I had a good chance with Tony if his love confession from his injury to go by. Tony still loved me. Still wanted me. I can make this work. I will get him back somehow. Even…even if it was only platonically. 

 

So I waited. Waited long after Bucky had gone to sleep. Waited long after the movie I had been watching to distract myself had finished. Waited until the clock struck three am. Finally, I was about to give up when the elevator doors slid open and Tony stumbled into the open area. He blinked a few times trying to get a bearing of his surroundings. Finally, I caught his eyes and he just sighed. I crossed my arms habitually ready to lecture Tony for falling off the wagon again. He had been doing so well. “Don’t worry Sugarplum, I am not drunk,” Tony waved at me as he swayed a bit. I watched silently as Tony stumbled around looking confused. Finally, he looked up at me with fear in his eyes and I knew in that instant that he had been drugged. 

 

I moved forward and caught Tony in my arms as he lost control of his knees. He was dead weight but lucky enough for me he was not that heavy for me to carry. After making sure Tony was secure in my arms I called Bruce to meet me in his lab as quick as possible. I could feel Tony begin to heat up. It was beginning to scare me. 

 

Bruce pushed me aside the moment I laid Tony on the work table for him to look at. He needed space to work but I felt restless and a deep desire to be at Tony’s side. I already almost lost him just a week ago. I can’t. I can’t begin to think about how I could lose him now. 

 

“Shit,” Bruce cursed taking a step back from Tony’s unconscious form. It took me a second to realize what Bruce meant. Tony was beginning to shine blue as if something was a light underneath his skin. It almost reminded me of the video clips I saw when Tony showed me his files on the extremis a year ago before he and Pepper had broken up. 

 

“What’s happening?” I demanded to take a step towards Tony only to be stopped by Bruce. I looked at the scientist that made me stop. It was a look I had little seen on Bruce’s face, it was dead serious gaze that chilled me to my bones. It is times like these that remind me how terrifying Bruce can be. 

 

“Tony had injected himself with a more modified version of extremis,” Bruce replied, “his body is undergoing the change. He…damn it, Tony. We had been working on this formula for some time. Tony wanted to make something that could help him better handle injuries and physical altercations. But we weren’t anywhere near testing it! He either went ahead and did it anyway or Tony had finished the loopholes and decided to test it on himself.” 

 

“Sounds familiar doesn’t it?” A new voice spoke up behind us but I knew it was Nat. It seemed like nothing can get by her. Well, almost nothing. She still does not know about Tony and me’s relationship. Or if she did she is doing a good job at hiding the fact. 

 

“So what can we do?” I ask my voice sounding strained and desperate. I hate sounding desperate. Makes me feel weak and useless. 

 

“We wait,” Nat and Bruce replied at the same time. I gave them a look of disbelief as I tried to free myself from Bruce’s grasp only to have Nat pull me down in a body lock. She held me firm. I forced myself to watch the light brighten and consume Tony’s body from within. It was hard like watching a star from up close not knowing whether it was about to explode or not. 

 

Tony cried out in pain and then it was over. The light disappeared and Tony just lay on the table unmoving. Seeing Tony like that was hard but I broke free from Nat’s grasp and rushed to put my fingers on Tony’s pulse. His heart was beating. Good. Great. Fuck that was terrifying. I was not going to let this slide. Tony and I are going to have a long talk after he wakes up and is checked over by Bruce. 

 

“He’s alive,” I say out loud more to myself than to anyone else. I could hear Bruce blow out a sigh of relief and felt Nat come up next to me to check for herself. 

“He’s been coming back home in a really bad state lately,” Nat comments giving me a hard look. I just blink at her before I move to the chair to sit next to Tony until he woke up. 

 

“Tony hates hospitals,” I commented slowly after silence fell in the room for a few minutes, “he probably took a dose of the experimental drug to heal himself faster. Idiot.”

 

“Still, we should have been more aware of that,” Bruce replies slipping on his glasses to focus more on the readings and scans he was working on. 

 

I’m grounding him, I thought, I will not risk him doing stupid things in an attempt to save us. We all made the decision to go out on the field. Tony needs to stop sacrificing himself for us. If we had l-lost Tony today or even back then I know we would have blamed ourse- “you’re thinking too hard,” Nat said raising an eyebrow at me, “go be with Barnes. I will look after Tony from here.” 

 

A part of me wanted to tell her that my place was next to Tony at the moment but really it was not. I really fucked us up but I know I can somehow fix this. I should tell her no, I should stay but instead, I get up and walk into the elevator. 

 

* * *

 

I yelled at him the next day. He stood there staring angrily at me but did not seem to argue back. At first, it felt good to just be able to finish what I was saying but soon it just felt useless and pathetic. So I forced myself to stop. I had not realized I was yelling so hard until I felt my chest rise and fall in quick and harsh succession trying to catch my breath. Tony stood there not saying a word. 

 

I wanted him to yell, to talk but all he did was shrug at me saying, “what I do with my body is none of your business.” 

 

“None-Tony! This is my business! You’re my friend! I won’t watch you kill yourself because of stupid and rash decisions!” I spit back my voice harsh from being overly used. 

 

“We are NOT friends Rogers. We were barely even lovers,” Tony growled, “I doubt we ever wear anything! So fuck off and leave me the fuck alone! You wanted this. You made your choice. You made your _move._ This is me coping and moving on. My body my choice. If I want to try an experimental drug I can and I will. It is my _right.”_

 

I crossed my arms and stood up straighter, “If you can’t be bothered to tell _me_ something like this how am I supposed to trust you in the field? I need to know that all my teammates are in their best physical shape. If you go and experiment on yourself then you better let me know so we can _be aware of potential side effects and react accordingly._ I don’t care that you don’t think of me as a friend. We are the team leaders, Tony. I need to know these kinds of stuff! This puts all of _us_ in danger if you go down in battle and we have no idea why or how!” 

 

“FRIDAY is programmed to continue on if I go down!” Tony yelled, “I have back up plans to back up my back up plans! So don’t worry your pretty little head about it!” 

 

“What?” I say feeling nauseous, “what did you say?” 

“I,“ Tony paused looking confused now rather than angry, “It’s practical. If I am not around or able to function the suit than FRIDAY can take over for me instead. I don’t see-“ 

 

“No,” I just cut Tony off looking devastated as I feel, “how am I supposed…how can…you should never…Tony…” I linger off still in shock at what Tony had said to me. I looked at the ground not really knowing what to do with myself. So I fell on my knees. 

 

By the time I got my bearings and looked up Tony was long gone. 

 

* * *

 

The next time we spoke, Tony was the one to come find me. He seemed nervous and looked like he wanted to be anywhere but here. I did not know how to act now that we are standing here and Tony was ready to talk.I thought I would have to put up more of a fight to get the man to acknowledge my presence. “Hey,” I greet Tony with a small smile as Tony comes to sit next to me on the couch.

 

It’s quiet for some time but finally Tony replies with a soft, “hi.” He doesn’t smile but it’s the first step. 

 

“Tony I-“ “-Steve-“ We fall into another awkward silence. 

 

“You are an asshole,” Tony starts as he turned to look at me dead on, “I can’t believe…I…I still love you, Steve. I have loved you for a long time. And I am not asking you to return those feelings suddenly but I need you to know that what you did to me was a dick move.”

 

I opened my mouth and closed it not really knowing how to respond to that. So I told him, “I can’t change the past, Tony. I can only work on making the future a better one.” 

 

Tony snorted leaning back in his spot on the couch after he came to sit down. “I am tired, Steve. I don’t know if I can ever forgive you for what you did to me but I miss you so…let’s be friends again.” 

 

“Yeah,” I smiled, “we were friends long before we were something. I want my best friend back. Not that Sam doesn’t count or Buck but with you it’s different. You will always be different and I need that in my life.” 

 

“Good,” Tony whispered sounding a bit surprised. 

 

Silence fell into the room again but this time it was almost not as awkward as before. I moved closer to Tony who just chuckled softly at me before putting his feet on my lap. I knew what he wanted so I took one of his socked feet into my hands, pulling the sock off, and began to massage the muscles slowly. Tony let out an appreciative moan leaning his head back making me no longer able to see his face. “Do you want more pressure?” I asked. Tony looked back at me and thought for a moment before nodding a bit and falling back again. 

 

We spent the night like that. Just sitting in silence as we sat next to each other on the couch. I know I could have pressed how angry and scared I was by what happened and what he told me later but right now, right now he needed me to be quiet. So I closed my mouth and let my stubborn mind speak into the void. Being silent was kind of liberating.

 

By the end of it, Tony had fallen asleep forcing me to, once again, put him to bed. This time though, he did not ask me to stay. And a much larger part of me was disappointed. 

 

* * *

 

The first time Tony and I fell into bed was a month after that night. I remember it clearly. The moment our lips touched I could not bring myself to stop. It was like my body was on fire and as I moved to relearn every inch of Tony’s body. He was reluctant at first but I made it clear to him that if he told me to stop I would leave in that instant no matter what but he never did. Still, this was not helping me move on. Instead, I was addicted. No matter how hard I tried to walk away. To end it once and for all, I find myself leaning down and taking Tony apart. 

 

I was the only person who could get him to unwind like this. He needed it. It seemed to be calmer and more collected after our sessions but I yearned to be able to just stay and hold him in my arms but I can’t. I can’t stay. If I did it would ruin everything. 

 

This was not the same though. Tony always looked distant and disinterested every time I approached him. It felt like I was a chore to him. It made me angry. It hurt. But it did nothing to quench this growing monster inside me. He was my water. I could survive a few days without him but nothing more. Sooner or later I would need my fill. 

 

It felt good. Taking him again and again. The way he would bend and push against me. The way he would say my name. How it was the only time he ever allowed himself to listen to my orders. It seemed like layer by layer we mended together again and the walls between us drained away. There were so many times I was close to uttering ‘I love you.’ into Tony’s ear. It took all my will power to hold myself back. I knew if I spoke those words out loud Tony would leave. I could not risk it. So I thought it. Again. Again. And again. 

 

Eventually, though, Tony smiled at me again. The genuine smile that he rarely graces anyone with unless he is super comfortable with them. It warmed my heart to see it again. Hopefully, I can keep that smile from ever fading away from me again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on [My Tumblr](queendoph.tumblr.com)
> 
> I post a lot of my art there and some random stuff. Though it is a Stony blog mainly so there is a LOT of Steve and Tony posts :D 
> 
> Come say hi!


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